The Universe Strikes Again

You know what? When I read through a lot of my blog posts, whenever I make any reference to God, the Universe, energy, chance, fate, life in general… I always seem to underplay it somehow. Why? I am really not sure. What I do know is that I do believe in reincarnation, karma, energy, fate, destiny, all of those things than can sometimes be coined under flimsy/hippy/whimsical carry on… BUT I have had far too many experiences in my life, which have proved to me time and time again that there is so much more to life than meets the eye. I guess maybe one reason I play down my beliefs is a subconscious fear of people not agreeing with me or I don’t want to be put in the “oh, she is one of those” categories… But here it goes.

We sat on our balcony with a glass of red wine in hand. We could hear thunder way off in the distance. Wow, did you hear that? I said to my husband. Yea a storm is coming, but it is a while away. It didn’t take long however before the thunder was more like a whip being cracked than a mosquito being slapped; and as with all dualities in nature, where there is thunder, there soon will be lightning. From a small flash in the distance, to lighting up the sky directly in front of our apartment, this was about to be a hell of a storm. I rushed inside to get my camera to try and capture the incredible display of power Mother Nature was unleashing before us – of course my camera died the second I turned it on, so I figured this was a moment I was meant to just take in (without a device in front of my face). I had not seen a storm like this in a very long time, it had moved its way up the coastline from South to North and was now raging before us, rods of lightning looked as if they were striking directly into the canal between the mainland and island Brac, as the smaller forks spread out in all directions lighting up the night sky. The rain was bucketing down and the temperature had dropped dramatically, so we moved inside. As soon as we were in, we both looked at each other and said – the boat!! You see, we both work on a yacht that was docked half an hour away from home. Mirko called the deckhand who was sleeping on the boat to check that everything was ok. When he got off the phone he gave me that look. Stipe isn’t on the boat, he is at home tonight. Fuck. Do you think I should go? Now of course the sensible answer here is NO right? I mean who in their right mind would venture out into a storm to check a boat that isn’t theirs?... Well if the answer was No, I wouldn’t have anything to write about now would I?

To understand my response, you need to first understand something about myself and my husband: we are both very passionate people, especially when it comes to work, whatever role or job we are in, it gets our all, normally above and beyond what is expected of staff… In any other situation I would have said “Don’t be stupid, it is far too risky to drive in this, AND it is not even our boat, BUT the thing is we were both mentally invested in this boat, we were so happy to be working together on a new yacht and wanted more than anything to do a great job, so even I didn’t want to risk something happening to the boat and us losing this opportunity that we had wanted so desperately. “I think you should go” I replied, “if something happens to the boat you will feel responsible or blame yourself.” He didn’t need to be told this of course; he had already made up his mind. The question of safety didn’t really enter my mind; however something told me that I HAD to go too. This is not the first time I have worried for my husband, nor the first time he has put himself in a dangerous situation – for someone else’s benefit I may add. But this was the first time I insisted on coming, something just felt different.  Somehow I just knew that something was going to happen and for some reason I felt that if I was there we would be protected. Crazy I know, and think what you like, but this feeling I couldn’t explain – and believe me I know how ironic it sounds that I knew something was going to happen and yet we still went, all that comes to mind is what will be will be. We threw on our jackets and ran out into the rain that was coming down hard in those big cartoon-like drops. As I opened the car door, I said a little prayer - “please protect us”, again, not a usual practice of mine (not even on any of the hundred flights I have taken over the last 5 years have I ever said a prayer, of course hindsight allows me the wonderful perspective that this was my deeper intuition at play), it was almost automatic, like a natural reflex. The rain pounded down, visibility was low and we could still hear the crack of thunder and see flashes of lightning out the corner of our eyes. Behind the noise and chaos of the storm I heard a little voice say pay attention…

As we drove out of our little town of Dugi Rat, the rain completely ceased, as did traffic, it seemed as though we were completely alone on the road (a very eerie feeling and perhaps something we should have noticed). We were now in a race with Mother Nature, the storm was behind us and Split was our finish line. Moments after I said to my husband “we are storm chasers”, laughing at the ludicrous nature of what we were doing, the rain started hammering us again, turns out the race was over (Mother Nature always wins). Then it happened. The movies are right, everything moves in slow-motion. I literally felt like I watched the dimensions of time bend and slow down just for me so I didn’t miss one detail of what was happening. We slid. For a moment I thought it was a small slide and Mirko would regain control quickly, he didn’t, the car was now quite clearly out of control, it seemed so unnatural (we would find out later that there was some kind of oil spilled in that spot). Our eyes locked for a split second before Mirko turned back to the road and tried to turn into the slide. A few thoughts went through my mind, the first was fuck. This is it. I can’t believe we are going to die like this when we finally feel like we are on the right track in life, our love is too young…there was also – I love him and if this is it, then I am happy I am with him (morbid and beautiful?...) I told everything slowed down, there really was time for all of these conscious thoughts in this split second. Strangely enough though, it wasn’t fear that gripped me in these moments (though of course I was shit-scared), but rather an overwhelming sensation of love; love for life and for my husband. Then, all of these thoughts ceased and I went into an almost meditative-like- state; the quiet prayer that my soul whispered when we first got into the car, became a very loud shout: all of my being silently screamed - PROTECT US!!

Quite often I have dreams that whenever I am scared or need protection from something, I will close my eyes and start shining a brilliant white light from within which surrounds my being and my loved ones, this is where the dreams ends, but I wake up with a feeling knowing that I am safe and protected. As the car careened over the other side of the road and we spun a full 180˚, just before impact I placed my hand on the car door (as if I would be able to stop any impact), closed my eyes and saw a flash of white light. There was impact. There was silence. I opened my eyes, time went back to its usual pace and I could see that we had come to a standstill. I looked to Mirko and he was looking back at me, You OK? He asked. Yea, was about all I could manage. And I was, not one scratch. Mirko neither.

My heart was racing yet I was surprisingly calm in the same sense. As Mirko got out to access the damage it became apparent that it really was a miracle we were still alive (I couldn’t open my door as the car was on a 45˚ angle and my door was pressed up against the barricade). There were so many bizarre circumstances: The rain starting just before we hit the patch of oil on the road, no traffic whatsoever on the road (the second we crashed traffic seemed to resume as usual), had we slid 5 more metres, there would have been no barricade to stop us from going over the edge (as it turns out it was a fence that we crashed into on my side of the car, which stopped us from going over the edge). Incredible, so many small factors that first lead to the crash, but also the reason we weren’t killed… We were both in shock and simultaneously feeling so lucky and grateful. This feeling of gratitude lasted into the next days, and I thought I was fine with it all until my mother called after she found out about the accident – as soon as I started speaking to her I began crying for the first time; the knowledge of the fact that we really did come very close to the end had finally sunk in.

It is here that I have to announce my faith in what we cannot see. Do I think I have special powers? No. Do I think that the accident wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t there, or worse, that something would have happened to Mirko? I don’t know. All I know for sure is that something told me I had to go. Something inside me said a prayer before we left and said that same prayer just seconds before we crashed. And this is yet again confirmation for the fact that I have always felt protected throughout my life. Often I am asked (especially in Croatia), whether I am religious. My answer is always, if by religious you mean, do I go to Church or follow certain teachings, then no. However, I have my own set of beliefs, in life, in the Universe, a faith and respect for what we cannot see; I don’t know about ONE god, but I definitely believe in some higher power. I have had far too many coincidences in my time to believe that life is made up of seemingly random events and occurrences. 

So this is my story. Almost my spiritual outing if you will (though anyone reading behind the lines of any of my blogs could probably have guessed this about me). For a while I was trying to work out the meaning to the crash (of course I believe that everything happens for a reason, and as a writer and analyzer of life I am always in search of that meaning – sometimes to the detriment of my sanity). The usual feelings and notions ensued after such an incident: life is too short, we need to make sure we are always appreciative and grateful for everything we have and towards each other, I think it even made my husband realize that work is definitely NOT the most important thing in the world (God I hope we don’t always need something so dramatic to remind us of all of these things!) These are all beautiful notions which we definitely know and try to incorporate into our lives everyday. BUT for me, this still just wasn’t quite it…

Once again as I near the end of my writing, my words have revealed something else to me (I swear some of these pieces write themselves and I am just the vessel). By writing this down and sharing openly and honestly more of myself and my spiritual inner-workings, I can see that I have taken another small step towards living in my truth, being unapologetically myself (which is very fitting as I turn 30 today). So once again the Universe has found a way to show my own intuition to me and strengthen my already deep-seeded beliefs in love, faith and all of life’s mysteries.

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