The head and the Heart, Part two


Not long after arriving in Croatia, as soon as we were in more of a natural rhythm with each other, the topic of marriage had started to work its way into our conversations. It started as a joke and more innocently at first, but as the weeks sped by and my 3month time frame lingered in the air, the conversation started to evolve into something more real; were we really considering this as a serious option???

Let’s for a second go back a few years to a time when I was engaged and utterly confused about the concept of marriage and what it meant to me. After battling internally for quite some time, my fears and confusion came flooding out to my (then) fiancĂ©e, and eventually our engagement and relationship dissolved and I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth in regards to marriage – through no fault of my partner’s I may add, I just started to think that perhaps marriage wasn’t for me. I mean really – I was too much of a free spirit, I had so many adventures I wanted to achieve in life and I just couldn’t envision how marriage would ever fit into this picture. I even started to joke with friends that I was just going to find someone to marry for a passport to allow me to keep YOLOing (yes I just turned this into a verb, what of it?!) for as long as my imagination and bank account allowed me to do so. I literally remember conversations around this, where I would end with “so what, marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn’t have any meaning if you don’t attach meaning to it…
Fast forward a few years, and I find myself in exactly this very situation (oh life you truly are a crazy, beautiful son of a bitch!). Though this time I was not sitting in a bar making a list of
potential candidates with my girlfriends over many giggles and bottles of wine;I was instead living on the other side of the world, with the man I loved, considering getting married to stay together. This had none of the lightness of previous conversations, rather all of the weight of a major life decision. For something that I had almost ruled out, I now needed to (very quickly) navigate my way around the concept of marriage, what it meant to me, what it meant to us, and whether we were both truly ready to dive into something so huge – for no matter how anyone feels about marriage, to say that it is something anyone can enter lightly, is just not the case. (I will go further into my navigation of the concept of marriage further down the track, but for now let me just say it was a lot to take on board in such a short space of time) The more we talked, the more it was extremely apparent that neither of us wished to be apart again, we had been through the test of distance, and there just seemed no need to put ourselves through this again and push our love to the limits.

Almost a month before D-Day (expiry of my visa, let’s not call marriage D-Day just yet), we decided that we would apply for my marriage certificate from NZ, just in case you know? (Some couples add their partner to their car insurance - just in case, we got a marriage certificate - just in case…) We also skyped my father and his partner, where we told them what we were thinking and Mirko asked my father for his blessing and my hand in marriage (The modern equivalent of old-fashioned) my Dad who is such a down-to-earth wonderful human being, was clearly taken aback, but recovered quickly and said “as long as my daughter is happy, I am happy” and that was the best answer that could have been given. We then told the rest of our family that we were thinking of getting married and were given such beautiful support on all sides, though I am not sure they really believed that we would go through with it, I am not sure that even we believed that in little under a month we would be standing before each other as husband wife... dum dum da dum...
Two weeks later, two weeks until D-Day and my marriage papers had still not arrived, Dad had posted it along with other letters and cards - all of which had arrived, everything EXCEPT the marriage papers. Two weeks to leave the country or get married, both options were ridiculously daunting. CUES ENTER the MIND…

This is a SIGN (anyone who has been reading my blog diligently, or knows me well, knows that I rely heavily on my intuition and signs), we are not meant to get married otherwise the papers would be here by now… AH FREAK OUT!!!

How can we possibly get married in 2 weeks?! This is ridiculous, no one does this!

This is not just another one of your adventures Tash, this will have a very real impact on your life

You know how flippant you have been in the past, who is to say you won’t change your mind in a month/a year like you always have??

Marriage isn’t just something you fool around with…

Questions, panics, hyperventilating, mood swings, you name it, you can enter it here…

My mind reeled with all of the possible outcomes and options, it tried to decipher meaning from anything that could vaguely be deemed a sign – the papers not arriving being the biggest SIGN of all. I then basically entered a week long debate tournament, where the mind and the heart were weighing in some very strong arguments. It seemed for a long time that the Mind was winning, being one that is much more skilled in the art of forming arguments and is able to throw around 1,000 words at you in a split second, with many variations of ven-diagrams to back it’s million different conclusions and hypotheses, whereas the heart is generally the strong silent type, who holds true and fast to one path – the turtle and the hare type scenario.

In my previous relationship/ships my internal struggle was always the annoying but ever-present question of: how do I know if this is THE ONE? This question didn’t seem to play a role in this instance (which in hindsight should have said it all really) and instead had been replaced with: what is the difference between SIGNS vs a TEST, how do I know??  Now I don’t want to alarm anyone, and I will most likely need to ward off the media after I write this, but I now think I may just have the answer to both!! But I will get to that…

If we were speaking to a scientist or rationalist, I am sure that they would say there is nothing spiritual or Universal about a sign, that it all comes down to our own mind/subconscious, because once we set our mind on something, our subconscious creates filters around this topic, and henceforth brings forward to our awareness anything related to this matter. So when we want to buy a car, quit our job, find a new coffee shop, our mind starts subconsciously sifting through our daily environment and information to bring anything relevant to our attention – hence a SIGN. On the flipside arguing for spirituality and deeper meaning in the ordinary, even if this is so, if we are open and present in the moment, it may reveal to us our deepest desires… Anyway, I digress.

I was freaking out because being the slightly spiritual person that I am; I just didn’t want to believe that this was a sign. Normally when I have been facing a major life decision, after all the inner-turmoil there has normally been a clear sign, or life has presented the next stepping stone to me in the last moment; and though it has always scared the shit out of me, at some stage, once everything has calmed down, a massive wave of relief has always ensued. This time, trying to draw the conclusion that we shouldn’t get married gave no relief, only pained me more than ever.
And there it was - the question was almost the answer; the answer was not outside in signs or circumstances, it was inside. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I had the answer with me all along.

WTF!!” I hear you all say, “She is being more elusive than a $5 palm reader!!” But alas, it is true. Just like everyone I have ever asked – “how did you know they were the one?” every single person answered very simply and serenely saying “oh darling, you just know…” During my single years (and some of my more frustrated years in search of love and truth) I wanted to slap this smug, knowing look off all of their faces and scream: that is not an answer, HOW goddam it, HOW??? And YET here I am giving exactly the same vague and irritating answer. Drum roll please…

In regards to love, the difference between a SIGN and a TEST was all down to me -  I was not willing to accept this sign; I wanted to make it a test because I was not willing to be apart again, I wanted to take the ultimate leap of faith and see what happened, because I have always wanted to believe in love and this was my chance. Here I was, for the first time, not running, willing to stand and fight for love, AND THIS my dear readers, is what made it a test!

I might need to add a small disclaimer here however… that is that while I discovered my truth, it was something I have been told many times over before, but just didn’t listen or didn’t understand. I figure that maybe it is like an optical illusion, just like this ridiculous dress that has gone viral – IS IT BLUE AND BLACK, OR WHITE AND GOLD?? No one can see it for you, we will not understand how it can possibly be White and Gold, while we see Blue and Black.

And there you have it, in the rare still spaces between the bombarding thoughts of my mind; my heart had expanded, filled the silence and took the victory with little more than 3 simple words, “I love him”.

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