While lying on my back...


An epiphany can come at any time, anywhere. This time it happened to occur in a rather unsuspecting position, or rather the outcome of the epiphany was not what you would expect from the position…

While lying on my back on a gym mat in a very full class, pelvis up, legs in the air, opening and closing them in time to a sexy Brazilian song; it struck. My time in Italy is for me and me alone! Now as I said above, this is a rather unusual and ironic conclusion for the current position, considering I have not been in this position outside of the gym for a while; and if I had my way I would much rather have a gorgeous Italian man involved…Alas, apparently the Universe has other plans – or just a very wicked sense of humour!

p.s. this is the kind of body I will have soon...

Ok, so I have to backtrack here for one second as there is a reason my mind came to this conclusion – as to have a conclusion, you normally have to have a question to begin with. So as always, my mind has been furiously trying to work out what it is I want. Now don’t let my blog fool you, I have many more ambitions in life than finding a boy. In fact that is normally at the bottom of the list. However I do find the subject of boys and love intriguing, I love hearing love stories, I love the concept of love; and my argumentative and stubborn mind loves ping ponging the subject backwards and forwards like a high school debate. But I did not bring myself to Italy or on any of my travels to find love; this has generally been all about me and no one else.

However I am a girl and the romantic notion of a love affair in Italy really did sound very appealing. Someone to wine and dine me; take me for long drives in Tuscany, and of course maybe give me a reason to no longer need the gym…

And I ramble again. Back to why my mind came to this conclusion. Just before Christmas I met an Italian guy out with my friends. Nothing happened, we exchanged numbers and have been keeping in small contact for the last two months; but have only actually managed to meet up a handful of times. Why only a handful of times when I am apparently “living the life” here in Italy? Well while I am living the life, and love my life; those that know me know I never tend to do anything by halves (and like my father), always manage to keep my life very busy; or as another good friend likes to tease, apparently I am an “over achiever”.

I am an au pair for 4 children (which really says it all), while I love them and the family dearly; I have probably ended up working for one of the busiest families in Florence! Compared to all of the other au pairs I know, I work a lot more hours – and am typically with the children for anything from 7 – 10hours a day. And in that time we do not just watch TV; we colour, paint, play outside, bike, do homework, learn English, walk the dog, bake, make board games, stories, scrapbooks… anything I can think of at the time to keep it interesting for them and for me.

On top of this I have of course decided to really try learn the language, so on my few hours off a day, I have been going to Italian classes for 2 hours a day, four days a week. After this - while I love Italy, and particularly the food – I am eating a lot more than I ever was in my normal life, so it is time to start hitting the gym to attempt to burn off some of this pasta… I have also started writing for a Travel company – nothing too exciting, just re-writing travel brochures and their website, but nonetheless time consuming. Add a touch of my own personal writing (whilst coming up for a concept for a book..) and finally throw in a dash of trying to have a social life – which mostly involves meeting up and going out with the girlfriends I have made here.

Phew, that was exhausting to even write. So where does a guy fit in? Exactly my point. We have managed to meet up a handful of times, but mostly just when we are out drinking with friends. He has taken me out for dinner once, which was nice. But the nights end the same, a bit of a make-out session like a couple of teenagers before we part ways – as I live with my Italian family and won’t bring someone home (well won’t make the mistake again..). And he is an Italian man - some stereotypes are for a reason, as he; along with most other Italian guys I have met lives at home with his mother (I should give him some credit here however, as he lived in Switzerland for work for 3 years, but moved home last year when his father died; which is very sweet of him, and he moves into his own apartment next month…) But for the time being it still leaves us in a bit of a stale mate; as having lasted this long without having sex, I do not intend it to be in a car, bathroom, or alley-way…which I think is leaving him extremely frustrated to say the least.

Not to mention that I have probably been more than “molto difficile per lui” in regards to even meeting up in the first place because of the above mentioned crazy, busy life I am living. The thing is, I told my girlfriends I am into him; but if I really look at it… he is nice enough, cute enough, we get along well enough… you can see where this is leading… I think I liked the concept of him more; or tried to convince myself something is there, because it would be nice to have some affection or be taken for those Sunday drives…. But dam my mind; I just can’t bring myself to have some fun with someone for the sake of it, without really feeling something.

I HAVE had guys in my past that I have seen and just knew I had to be with, the guys that you want to jump every time you see; or the guy that sets every cell in your body alight whenever you are within a certain radius. So I know it exists. And this guy? Simple. No.

My mind loves this though – “why can’t you just have some fun, lighten up, relax a little you prude…” Then of course there is the train of thought that goes something like this “you have been told in many different ways that you block love, you make no room for it, so of course you aren’t feeling anything, because you won’t allow yourself to feel anything…” Which is potentially true too...

But for whatever else, while lying on my back opening and closing my legs my mind decided that this time here is for me! Maybe I have been “molto difficile” but if someone wants me, they will fight for me – because you know what, I am worth it! I have had many guys walk away from me in my life, or not fight for me when I really needed it; so what if this was just going to be a little fling, I want someone that really wants me.

Another one of the deciding factors was a very simple thing… but guys maybe just a little note for you. We met last Saturday night at a bar with friends. We arrived at the same time, went to the bar, and he bought himself a beer… not that this is the problem, but he didn't even offer me a drink. Now while I am extremely independent and normally insist on buying my own drinks anyway - we have only met a few times, maybe I am ‘high maintenance’, but I don’t think it is too much expecting to be offered ONE drink… (actually I did get given a drink - from the Johnny Depp wannabe bartender, maybe I will have to go back...)

And so, another one bites the dust. And here I am; in one of the most beautiful and romantic countries in the world, lying on the ground getting all hot and sweaty; in a class full of strangers…And you know what? I couldn't be happier!

(Though in saying this, I am still a girl; and thinking in circles, my mind still holds out a little glimmer of hope for a romantic Italian spring fling…)

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