To walk away from a dream


While everything has been going great here; I may have had a mini-breakdown after about a month here and come very close to walking away from a dream...

This was just before the David date, and approaching the one month mark here. Now I have talked about how the mind has a tendency to take an idea and run away with it before, well this is another prime example. Except this time being that I let it run a lot faster and further than I have done in a while. It started simply enough (as it always does) with my friend getting engaged; and is now getting married in August this year in Canada. Fine, this is 8 months away; surely no problem here...

Well while being an au pair is an amazing experience, it is hardly financially beneficial. To put it simply, if I didn't spend one cent, I could save less than what I was making in one month's pay check in London... So I started panicking from here (when you have been on the go for over a year, without a solid source of income, money starts becoming a constant worry).

"I am not going to be able to save enough money, I'll miss the wedding, they have been such good friends to me... oh god I am such a terrible person and friend, I am so useless, I am 27 and have no money to my name... I am going to end up stranded in Europe again..."

And so on and so forth. But then the mind manages to multi-task; and while these thoughts are going round and round, it found another to go up and down;

"If I stay in Italy for 6 months, then Croatia again for 6months, it is going to be at least another year before I am home again, which will make it 4 years since I have seen my family, and I am going to have no money to get back, and where would I start, live?..." 

All of these thoughts and more; but mostly what I didn't realize at the time, was that it was maybe the first time since I have been away that I have truly been homesick - being in a foreign country, away from all of my family and friends with the Christmas season approaching... it was only natural I guess. I have been traveling now for nearly 3years, but when I was living in London at least I had good friends from home there, here I am completely by myself (bar the one friend who I met traveling, but who was soon to leave).

To put it simply - basically I lost my shit. I could no longer see what I was getting out of being here, my mind was constantly on these thoughts, so enjoying anything in the present moment was impossible. It got to the point where I actually phoned Dad, he was going to buy me a ticket back, I was searching for jobs and accommodation in Australia - which I had some potential already...

MASSIVE SIDE NOTE HERE: The law of attraction says what you think is what you attract. So if you in a positive state; you attract positive scenarios into your life right? 

smaller side note here: it doesn't mean that life is always a box of fluffy ducks; it can mean that when you are in a positive frame of mind, you also view everything very differently - so what could be an unfortunate or unfair situation to one, to another is just another challenge or opportunity (like getting kicked off a training trip for kissing a boy, which lead to some of your greatest adventures...)

Arguing it scientifically or through a psychological lens you could say that as human beings we take in all information through our five senses: sight, hearing, feeling, smell and taste. Of the 2.3 million bits of information that are bombarding our system at any given moment, we consciously select 7+-2 bits. Unconsciously we select even more and we select this information according to our unique filters. So when we are thinking something; i.e. "I want to go back to Australia..." this becomes a filter, so all of a sudden there seem to be a lot of signs pointing to this fact (which in my state of mind seemed to be the case)

Then combine the two thoughts: when you are listening to your intuition, it guides your next step --> hence your thoughts fall in line with what you are meant to do next --> hence you open your filters to this = you attract this into your life... 

The reason for this massive tangent is that this can also work in the reverse... I had gotten myself so worked up by listening to my fear and anxiety; that I thought I had to get to Australia - so kept getting 'signs' about this... but rather than the peaceful feeling of calm  and reassurance that normally follows when you trust your intuition and guidance; I was feeling more panicked, anxious and confused than ever (which when you say it like this should have been a sign in and of itself that something wasn't right with this decision).

So I was at a point where I could leave, all I had to do was tell Francesca... At breakfast one morning, my heart pounding and anxiety rising; I brought all of this up, not in a very clear and concise way mind you.  When I get emotional about something, I find it very hard to articulate and the outcome is normally the same... tears. After I finally explained to Francesca that I thought I wanted to go home, to see family etc, she was naturally upset. She said that she didn't think that I had given Florence a big enough chance, I hadn't explored, made friends or learnt the language - I had only been with her family... which is all true. In the end she said of course it was up to me, but that it would be very difficult for not only her to find someone new; but also for the kids as they are very "attached" to me, more than they apparently have been with their previous nannies. Oh god... not the guilt factor too...

After this I went to my room and sat on my bed absolutely confused as to what to do... my laptop was turned on, though I wasn't on the computer. Just as I was basically asking out loud for help, my sister calls on skype - which is crazy timing; because we hardly ever manage to skype, haven't spoken in months, and it wasn't planned (thank you Universe). My sister is there with my 2 year old niece (who is one of the major reasons I wanted to go back because being around these children I felt that I have been missing so much with her)... anyway she starts singing to me, and I burst into tears! My sister, asks whats wrong and somehow in between spluttering,  sobs and hyperventilating (I am the worst kind of crier - an absolute mess, I lose all control), I explain that I wanted to come back because I felt I was missing so much, etc etc. Now my sister being very understanding, motherly and wise; said of course she would love to have me back as they miss me very much, but then she also said that my niece Kaia is going to be 3 soon, so if this is the main reason I should think carefully as she won't change too much between now and turning 4. She also said that if I come back now, I would most likely be stressed because I will need to get a job - save money to pay back Dad for flights, book flights to Croatia and then to Canada... so it wouldn't exactly be quality time as I would be working all the time and probably end up a lot more stressed than I already was.

Everything she said was true and I had thought it, but hearing it from her helped. As much as I missed and miss my family and friends, they are always going to be there; and how often have I heard from friends that return home after their travels say "it's nice to be home and see everyone, but don't rush back, nothing changes..."

I really was enjoying my experience here up until this point. But when your mind is in two, it is exhausting, and removes you from enjoying the present moment anymore. Speaking to my sister was amazing, and just what I needed. I decided right then that I need to give this experience a decent chance, and I haven't looked back since! 

I have made a couple of good girlfriends, who make my weekends a lot more interesting (to say the least - more stories to follow) but am also doing more for myself; writing, reading, little by little learning the language and of course just living with another family and truly being immersed in the culture and city is an incredible experience.  As much as I miss everyone, I can't believe I almost gave this up; I just know I would have been so disappointed in myself once I realized - Florence was one of my dreams - when I first traveled through here it was the most at peace I have ever felt, and I said "I am going to live here one day"... I almost walked away from the very beginning of this dream and adventure.

I have always been so reactive - making a decision then jumping straight into it. This has  worked for me thus far, and is the reason for all of my adventures - but generally the big decisions - like moving countries... were based out of more positive or intuitive mind frames. Sometimes it can be hard to decipher the voice of intuition from that of the ego/negative mind. But I am slowly figuring out, that where anxiety and fear are, typically the ego, just like a ventriloquist is doing the talking.

I had to write this all down, to remind myself that it is not always easy... but when you take a second to stop, evaluate and shine some light on the darkness that is fear and anxiety; eventually you will see that everything is as it is meant to be. Fear and anxiety can be very strong, but they are put there to test us; to make us try and listen to what our heart truly wants, and if we are brave we push on through and move forward in our journey. Other wise we will keep meeting the same obstacles in different guises until we learn to follow our heart. I intend to be the author of my own story and follow my heart no matter how scary or unknown, apparently this is what this thing called life is all about right?...

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