50 Shades of...get F***d

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Yes I know the book talks about literally getting f***d, but I am talking about the profanity you would say to someone when you really don't believe what they have said, or they have said something ridiculously outrageous as in friend: "it is really annoying when my butler doesn't put my clothes in the right place in my wardrobe... response: "get f***d".

So yes "50 shades of...get fucked". Having sailed around the Adriatic all summer with holidaymakers - the larger portion of which being females, I have never seen so many copies of one book floating around (literally floating by the end of the week, as the crew got so sick of them that they threw them over-board). I am proud to say that all season I resisted the temptation to join the multitudes of women in reading this soft-porn. 

However, after 4 months I finally gave in, wanting to know what all of the fuss was about; and I can honestly say, that I have never struggled so hard to read a book! Now I know that I am clearly no published author, but come one, does anyone else not think that it is written as if by a 16 year old?? He touched my "sex" - if anyone calls this their 'sex', it is a fair bet to say that they are probably not actually getting the aforesaid word in real life...



too harsh?... Too harsh.

Having since read the book, the below is a representation of increases since the book's release:
a) number of times the word 'submissive' has been googled
b) sex shop sales
c) the average guy's chance of picking up (there are literally girls out there gagging for it now - no pun intended...)






But the biggest criticism I have to make of this book is not how poorly it is written, or the ridiculously simple and repetitive story line, but the fact that Anastasia cums not only EVERY TIME, but within SECONDS EVERY TIME. Call me a critic or cynic, but I don't know ONE of my friends who cums every time during sex, this would be heaven. 

This thought got me thinking about my own sex life (now if for some reason any of my family are reading this, or friends that really don't want to know about my detailed sex life are reading this, you would be obliged to finish reading here). I will quite forthrightly admit that I love sex, I am definitely no prude, nor a stranger to the odd one night stand. However looking back over the last year since I broke up with my fiancee I can honestly say that good sex has been harder to come by (again no pun intended, though it does fit quite well in the context). The last year has either consisted of drunken sex, one-night stands (the one usually going hand in hand with the other), or there was a couple of guys who I was seeing for a couple of months each.

Now while sex was really good with the guys I was seeing, I definitely didn't cum every time. And the drunken sex? Forget about it. Though I am not one to make a guy feel bad, so I am prone to faking the big O - for their benefit, or just when I want it to be over (believe it or not guys, most girls fake at some stage - and it normally works to get the deed finished). However I am now fearing that perhaps I have been faking it too much... like the boy who cried wolf - have I cried 'wolf' too many times, that now I don't know what a real 'wolf' is?? What if I never see a real 'wolf' again... ok again overly dramatic, but it is a sad day when you are contemplating giving up sex because the bad sex seems to be outweighing the good sex at the moment.

Or is it just that I am getting older and one-night stands just don't do it anymore? It is true that sex is better when you not only know someone, but have a deeper attraction or connection to them; but surely there has to be such a thing as just good ole-fashioned amazing sex?? This recent realization that I haven't had a good one-night stand in a very long time was a rather shattering revelation as this means that to have good sex I am going to have to either find someone I truly like and get into a relationship - which also seems highly unlikely given my current status quo of lifestyle, put up with a few more 'wolves' until then, OR heaven help me - give up sex for a while... *this time a loud gasp can be hear from my 'inner goddess' (50 shades reference for those that haven't had the pleasure of reading it)*

Maybe this is why 50 Shades was truly so popular; not because of the darker nature of the sex she was having, but the fact that she is living all of our fantasies of crying the real 'wolf' every time. The long term effect of this is that either we will all start exploring our own sexuality a little more, or it is setting us all up for a lot more disappointment in the bedroom knowing that Anastasia could get off every time with a sexy, mysterious, charismatic millionaire; while we are lying beneath the guy we found at 2am (either on the dance floor or in the chicken shop, we can't quite remember), who is a lawyer (or was it a dj, or did he work at the chicken shop?...) planning out what we are going to do with our day tomorrow until he finally rolls off and we can start deleting this from our memory..

Thank you very much 50 Shades!


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