Asking for help. Day 12.

The day:
Shit. Why am I soaking wet?.. I'm asked whether I remember jumping in the pool last night?.. Oh wait, who asked me that - the 2 aussie guy whose room I have clearly passed out in obviously. Don't worry, nothing dodgy, I am fully clothed and sleeping on the ground. What the hell though, I don't even remember seeing these guys last night, though I had talked to them earlier the previous day before I started drinking. Of course it makes more sense to go to bed in these guys cabin on the ground rather than in my own cabin...Good old drunken Tash strikes again.

And why does it always seem like the best idea in the world to  jump in a pool when drunk?...

 It's literally fun for a second, then you get out and you are just wet AND cold. To be fair though, I am definitely not going to be the first or last to do this, as the pool is a big open pool right outside the bar; so when the bar closes, and everyone piles out drunk and there is no where else to go (as this is a camping village way out of Venice), what else is there to do?.. These security guards definitely have their work cut out for them - the next night the security guard ended up looking like a goalie trying to fend off two naked drunken chicks from jumping in (thank god I didn't get naked), and I am sure you need far more concentration when there are breasts flying in every direction.

That's it, must not drink tonight!

I chill out with Linda during the day, and watch a movie - My life in ruins, which is hilarious because I understand all of the things tour leaders have to put up with. It's also a complete rom com, and leaves me at the end thinking 'oh I really do want love, romance...'

Side note: Not so tragic love life
I know at the start I have mentioned how tragic my love life has been, but that is not entirely true:
  • my ex-fiancee was amazing, romantic, generous, thoughtful, understanding, great sense of humour, everything a girl could want on paper... and I run away.
  • There was a date with a guy I met out, who was funny, fun to be around (I love banter and the text that got me was when he was going out I told him to find me a British husband for a passport - his response ''was ok, but let's face it, you are probably just going to end up in bed with me..'' when I said that was extremely forward, he replied ''sorry, it's a side-effect of being a part-time fortune teller''; great banter that won him another few dates!), and he actually seemed to like me... I retreat immediately.
  • A couple of dates with an Aussie super yacht designer; who I met out, he asked me for my number and said would get in touch for a date, then I never hear from him, which  seemed weird as he approached me, but ah well. 2 weeks later I get a message from him on facebook, asking if it was the right Mary, and apologising saying that he lost his phone (which is something us girls always tell ourselves if we don't hear from a guy..). I didn't know whether to be creeped out or impressed that he had found me on facebook considering all he knew about me was that my name is Mary and that I am from NZ... so give it a shot anyway as I am intrigued as to how he found me - long story short, turns out his sister in law is from NZ and we had a mutual friend (good old facebook and 6 degrees of separation). Anyway, we get along like a house on fire, and it feels so comfortable instantly. Panic. Retreat!
So you see it is not all tragic, I have met some amazing guys, but instead choose to go for the guy that isn't keen, doesn't text back, or doesn't like talking at night in bed... So am I just a typical girl that wants what she can't have, or does the thought of actually opening up scare the s*** out of me.. who knows, I am still trying to figure it out.

Gosling mentioned that he felt I had my guard up the whole time - which coming from an Aussie lad was extremely insightful. Even though our time together had an expiration date, he said it is better to feel something than nothing... again very insightful, and definitely didn't help me with the fact that I knew I had to say goodbye to him, dam it!

And when I had my aura read, this is what the lady told me: 
''This is interesting (here we go...), you seem to keep love at arms distance, not only this but it is an energy that is orbiting around you rather than stationary. It seems you have done this to protect yourself as you have seen so many mediocre or failed relationships (almost every woman in my family, other than my sister has married and divorced young), so you have decided you want more. Which is why you may have an instant connection with a few, but not many will match your rhythm for long (this explains my fickleness with men). Only someone very special will ever match this (no pressure). And at the moment you are sending out mixed messages to the Universe ''I do want love, I don't want love, I do want love, I am not ready for anything...'' (ha, that doesn't sound like me at all)!

I think we can summarize and just collate all of this to equal the fact that I am a head case... and all guys should stare well clear of me, because if you kiss me it will change everything, and if you actually fall for me, I'll run away... but for now I am happy with not having anyone or anything, this current journey and adventure is for me and me alone (though I do miss affection from time to time).

Okay so that was a massive tangent, are you starting to see how my ridiculous mind works... I really should be trying to keep all of this crazy in as such,  but instead why not share it with the world and laugh at myself!

Asking for help...
So I am really starting to feel bad about the situation I am in, and the fact that Linda has been so great to me, she is an amazing person, and something tells me she would do anything for anyone (well clearly this proves it, because before a few weeks ago she didn't even know me and has done more for me than anyone ever has), but I know that I have outstayed my welcome - she hasn't said it, but it goes without saying. I wish there was something else I could do, and of course when I am in the position to, I will repay this kindness not only to her, but any traveller I come into contact with - a kind of 'pay it forward' scenario. But right now, there is not much more I can do, like I have said, I just hope that she doesn't think I take all of this for granted.

Though I have been looked after immensely, I am still down to my last few dollars or pounds if you will. I tried to avoid it, but it is at this point that I realise that I am going to have to get in touch with someone to borrow some money - as though I have a job lined up, and all my expenses are included once I start, I still need to get myself to Turkey and want some money in my account should anything else arise. This really kills me as I have always been extremely independant, and have had a job ever since I was 13. Not only this, but I have normally been the one to help others, like when my best girlfriend moved to London and lived in my bed for 3months, I would never think twice about helping someone else, but to ask for help myself? I struggle with this in any situation.

It also seems ridiculous that I am 27 years old, and am completely broke with nothing to my name (but a few good stories). I never intended on moving to London to save money, it was always to have fun and travel - but I have clearly taken for granted the fact that I have always earned good money... I really should have been putting something away for a rainy day... lesson learnt.

So I send a message to one of my best girlfriends to borrow some money for flights, and also to my Dad (this killed me) for some money just to get me by until I actually get paid (which will be in 5weeks time). I know they will come through, but anxiety starts to rise again - and anxiety is an old companion of mine; it generally sits quietly in my heart, but given the chance and when I am vulnerable, it gets up to dance, and dance it will, disrupting all peace within.

So an early night, but my mind is racing, and with the anxiety and guilt tango that is going on within, I have a very disrupted and troubled sleep.

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