the ego chooses to fight god. Day 6


As I have said before, alcohol as been a major vice of mine since University; though I have got it a lot more in control these days. I will never again say I have mastered it because this is when the ego steps in. The ego can wear many disguises; one of which is to be your friend, rather than the usual nattering of a negative Nancy, it can tell you, "well done Tash, you have really got this thing under control, you are fine." Then we you get relaxed is when you slip again, and generally you slip harder and further than you have ever before.

Which is probably why Benjamin Franklin said "Be always at war with your vices...

To be always at war with your vices, you first have to acknowledge them though; and this I did not do for a very long time. Just like "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" I think that this has more than just the literal meaning than the physical enemies, but also the enemies and demons which we all have within us. The more we know them, the more we can guess their next move and counterattack before it is too late.

It is hard to describe what happens when I am in that state of drunk sometimes. Some people understand, but a lot of my friends have never had this, they never get memory loss, or have the kind of blackouts that I have. It is no exaggeration that I have had a full 2 - 4hour 'blackout' before. But how can you explain to someone that has never come close to experiencing this. It is almost like there is a certain point you subconsciously decide to hand over the 'driving keys' to the 'other' drunken self, and just say "wake me when we are there". Losing total control of the situation, and having no memory of the journey; simply coming to, and having to deal with the consequences of things you didn't do.

A good friend of mine once described this saying that sometimes when we drink the "ego gets so big it chooses to fight God". It purposefully chooses to go against our best nature; and my Mum said it in a different way - that it is like we are saying "see, I am no good and not worthy of any good in my life". We are all here for a purpose, and letting our light shine is our true nature and overshadows our ego, so when it has a chance it will try to smother our light whenever it can. This is the great battle. Everything in life has light and dark, good and bad; this is a balance, the ying and yang if you will. But we have to acknowledge this to move forward, I am slowly learning to embrace all of me - this includes this darker side that I have run from, been embarrassed about or simply tried to deny.

So when this guy said to me "vino veritas" I guess it is true in some way, it reveals one side of our nature, but not the true side I don't think. Paulo Coelho wrote in Aleph:
“Fermented drinks are alive; they pass from youth to old age. When they reach maturity, they can destroy the Spirit of Inhibition, the Spirit of Loneliness, the Spirit of Fear, the Spirit of Anxiety. But if you drink too much of them, they rebel and usher in the Spirit of Defeat and Aggression. It’s all a matter of knowing when to stop". Which I think is exactly what it is; knowing when to stop, before the ego takes over the driving seat. It is a constant learning, and I am not in a place where I am ready to say I want to give up alcohol altogether. But I am learning (even if sometimes it is the same lessons...)

This is a bit of an out of the norm entry, but came about as I finally had the day off drinking. Not something your every day person would celebrate, but this is a success for me. Also the guy from last night arrives, and apologizes if he was out of line, saying he was very drunk... (I know how that goes) and respond saying not to worry, no harm done. So for once there is going to be no night entry here, nothing for me to piece together tomorrow, and no one to apologize to. And to me at this point in time is a success!

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